Say to Wisdom “You are My Sister”
Proverbs
7:4
We grew up in
an average house, on an average block, in an average suburban neighborhood on
Long Island. We both had our own rooms, right next to each other. In our
earliest childhood, we had a love/hate relationship. I loved her and she hated
me. She was the cool older sister and I was the annoying little brother. At
around age 14, my sister decided she had enough of the public school curriculum
and social scene. She thought everybody there was very fake and was looking for
something more “real”, whatever that meant. She had gotten a flavor for
orthodox Judaism from her local Hebrew school experience, as well as her
experience with NCSY, a Jewish youth organization. But mostly based on her quest to be involved
in something more genuine, she decided to enroll in a local orthodox Jewish
startup high school, the Torah Academy of Suffolk County (TASC). Thank God my
parents let her go. This one decision would set the course for the rest of her
amazing, short life.
TASC was a very
philosophically oriented school. The Rabbis encouraged the students to openly
discuss and question God, Torah, and
the meaning of life. In other words, my sister was in heaven. Could there be a
more “real” place than TASC? She had found exactly what she was looking for.
During this
time, three years younger than my sister, I was on an alternate track. Sports,
grades, being cool – these are the things that mattered to me. I don’t know how
she did it, but she did. And she did it in a major way. My sister convinced me,
with sincere confidence, that I must leave public school and go to TASC, where I
would study lofty topics such as Torah
and philosophy, which she promised, would ultimately lead me to have a
meaningful life – I was eleven! She was able to make me actually excited about
learning about our Creator, Torah, Mitzvos and all types of other wonderful
things – did I mention she was able to do this when I was eleven!
Despite my
young age, my choice was not spontaneous. It was deliberate. We would always
talk about what she had learned at TASC, things I had never thought about
before. But more important than the topics we spoke about, she made me think in
a way that I had never thought before, and I would proceed down the rabbit
hole with eager curiosity. One specific instance comes to mind. I was in the 6th
grade and I was stressing over a grade or a test or something like that - Reva
seized the opportunity. I can’t remember the exact wording she used, but we had
a conversation that went something like this.
Reva: “You
know, grades don’t really matter in
life.”
Me: “What? What
do you mean grades don’t matter. Of course they do.”
Reva: “Only to
help get you into a good college. But they don’t really matter in life.”
Me: (silence……processing…….whoa!!!)
Classic Reva.
That was
obviously an extreme simplification of one of our conversations, but the point
is, she taught me to re-evaluate (or I should say, evaluate for the first time)
my most basic values. When I started to get the hang of her way of thinking, we
became a real team. Our favorite Rabbi used to refer to us as “double Levine
action.”
When I was
reflecting at the shiva about our
younger years, I was absolutely shocked that we were having such deep
conversations together at such a young age and further that I left my life-to-be
in the secular world for these lofty ideals so early in my life. After the
first few days of shiva went by, and
I kept repeating how amazed I was, it finally dawned on me that the whole thing
wasn’t really so shocking at all. On the contrary, it made perfect sense. When
you present the emes (the Truth) to
someone in a meaningful, interesting way - even to an eleven year old - it
makes sense. And not only does it make sense, it is exciting. And that’s
exactly what my sister did for me so many years ago – she made searching for
Truth exciting.
As I mentioned,
throughout her four years at TASC, my sister would continuously have
conversations with me about all of the brilliant things she was learning. Each
year, while I was still in junior high school, the anticipation would build,
when I, the younger brother, would follow in her footsteps and be able to
partake of these amazing Torah
classes. Finally the time had come. I began the 9th grade. But I was
met with horrific shock. I was the only student excited to be there. The only
student eager to become a Jewish philosopher extraordinaire. I didn’t
understand it. Why were none of the other students ready to embark on a philosophical
journey that would impact the rest of their lives?! Looking back, I now realize
what the problem was….nobody else had my sister. Nobody else was given
mind-blowing private lessons in Torah
leading up to high school. Everybody else was just there to go to school.
Miserable, boring, brain numbing school. Thank God I had my sister. I still
have the same ideals today that she taught me so many years ago. Think. Search
for Truth. Don’t take anything for granted. Question EVERYTHING. These are the
ideals of my sister that she began to teach me when I was but eleven years old.
These are the ideals that I still live by and will God willing teach my
children, in her honor.
During the shiva, there were several themes that
kept reappearing (with scary exactitude) in discussing Reva with those who came
to comfort us. I’d like to share some of these themes, as I think they not only
help show what an exceptional person Reva was, but they could also enrich our
own lives – and that’s what she loved to do, enrich people’s lives in a meaningful
way.
Old People
My sister had a
powerful affinity for old people. All of our cousins, myself included, loved and
respected our grandparents, but Reva was on a whole other level. She actually
developed serious relationships with
all of her grandparents. She would stay with them for days. When I first learned
of this, I was a bit startled. How could she spend so much time with people who
were sixty years older than her? I barely had what to say to my grandparents.
She would also spend loads of time in my grandmother’s assisted living
facility, hanging out with all the old folks, talking with them, questioning
their lives, their decisions, their experiences. Was it weird that she did this?
Yes. Did she care? No. “What the heck is she doing there?!” I would think. Now
I understand it. She liked talking to people who have experienced the totality
of life. She loved wisdom and knew exactly where to find it – the old people
had it! Younger people were in the midst of their lives and didn’t have time to
deal with Reva’s silly questions. Old people had nothing but time to
give her all the knowledge they possessed and she soaked it up like a sponge.
This was my sister.
She Went Deep,
Fast
If you like
small talk or shooting the breeze, you would not like talking to Reva. I don’t
believe Reva even knew how to make small talk. If you tried to chat casually
with her, she undoubtedly would change the topic to something heavier,
something deeper….and she would not be subtle about it. She would simply wait
until you finished speaking, say “uh hu” and then bring up a (sometimes completely
unrelated) topic that was more meaningful – I loved that about her. I have
sometimes been known to be a blunt person – she put me to shame. More so than
any of the other themes that were brought up at the Shiva was this one. Anyone
who knew her well, would relate an extremely similar variation of the one of
the following: “we had the deepest conversations” or “she would always ask
questions that made me really think.” Every time someone said this, my mother
and I would look at each other and throw our hands up in the air as if to say
“I can’t believe she had this amazing effect on so many people!” The way one of
my cousins put it “she went deep, fast.” This was my sister.
Materialism
My sister just
didn’t care about material things like the rest of us do. She would always try
and talk to me about how much money it really took to live on – I mean
to just “get by.” And she would always come up with this ridiculously low number.
I thought she was crazy. “Who cares how much money you need to just get by?!” I
would think to myself. “I need to do more than just get by!” But Reva had a
very clear sense of the ultimate worthlessness of wealth. I do not share this
clarity with her. But nonetheless, I will not forget those conversations. They
left an imprint on my mind and gave me an attitude towards wealth to strive
for. My Aunt said one day she walked into a thrift shop with Reva where all the
clothes in the store were $1. Reva said “I could buy a whole wardrobe here for
$30!” We were not poor growing up. She could have developed more expensive
tastes. Where did she learn these wonderful truths from? Partly from her
Rabbis, of course. But more so from her own internal insight and growth. Some
type of freakish inner strength. This was my sister.
Party = Torah
My sister would
not let a party go by without giving a D'var
Torah (words of wisdom from the Torah) – this was often done unannounced. My mother recounts the story of my
sister’s own wedding shower, where completely out of the blue, she
gathered every one’s attention and delivered a beautiful D'var Torah! I’m sorry, I apologize, but who does that?! And this
was not a one-time event. She did this at every single simcha (party) where she had even the slightest opportunity. I do not believe she thought it was
appropriate to celebrate or have a party for selfish reasons without
recognizing the Creator. I didn’t realize this while she was delivering
these Divrei Torah. At the time, I
just thought “here she goes again,” almost embarrassed how she would just get
up and start speaking. How immature I was. What I wouldn’t give to have her
give a Dvar Torah at my next simcha. How I would love to smack the
old me for not realizing what a Kiddush
Hashem (sanctification of God's Name) she was doing. I
was too scared to speak at parties, afraid I would say something stupid. “Does
anyone want to say a few words?” Someone would ask. “Yes, I would like to” Reva
would say. And she did. This was my sister.
Summation
For Reva it is
the end. For the rest of us it is the
beginning. Dealing with life without her. It wasn’t her time, but….. Baruch Dayan Emes (blessed is the True
Judge). I guess it was her time. How do I understand this?! I’m going to do
exactly what my sister taught me to do….keep searching for an answer.
Over the past
few months we started saying “I love you” to each other at the end of our phone
calls. I thought to myself “is this something you say to your sister?” Why did
I feel uncomfortable? What was holding me back? If only I figured it out before
I lost her. Now, all I have is time to figure it out. There is no more fitting
way to end this. Reva, I love you.
