In Memory of My Beloved Sister Reva

Say to Wisdom “You are My Sister”

Proverbs 7:4

We grew up in an average house, on an average block, in an average suburban neighborhood on Long Island. We both had our own rooms, right next to each other. In our earliest childhood, we had a love/hate relationship. I loved her and she hated me. She was the cool older sister and I was the annoying little brother. At around age 14, my sister decided she had enough of the public school curriculum and social scene. She thought everybody there was very fake and was looking for something more “real”, whatever that meant. She had gotten a flavor for orthodox Judaism from her local Hebrew school experience, as well as her experience with NCSY, a Jewish youth organization.  But mostly based on her quest to be involved in something more genuine, she decided to enroll in a local orthodox Jewish startup high school, the Torah Academy of Suffolk County (TASC). Thank God my parents let her go. This one decision would set the course for the rest of her amazing, short life.

TASC was a very philosophically oriented school. The Rabbis encouraged the students to openly discuss and question God, Torah, and the meaning of life. In other words, my sister was in heaven. Could there be a more “real” place than TASC? She had found exactly what she was looking for.

During this time, three years younger than my sister, I was on an alternate track. Sports, grades, being cool – these are the things that mattered to me. I don’t know how she did it, but she did. And she did it in a major way. My sister convinced me, with sincere confidence, that I must leave public school and go to TASC, where I would study lofty topics such as Torah and philosophy, which she promised, would ultimately lead me to have a meaningful life – I was eleven! She was able to make me actually excited about learning about our Creator, Torah, Mitzvos and all types of other wonderful things – did I mention she was able to do this when I was eleven!

Despite my young age, my choice was not spontaneous. It was deliberate. We would always talk about what she had learned at TASC, things I had never thought about before. But more important than the topics we spoke about, she made me think in a way that I had never thought before, and I would proceed down the rabbit hole with eager curiosity. One specific instance comes to mind. I was in the 6^th grade and I was stressing over a grade or a test or something like that - Reva seized the opportunity. I can’t remember the exact wording she used, but we had a conversation that went something like this.

Reva: “You know, grades don’t really matter in life.”

Me: “What? What do you mean grades don’t matter. Of course they do.”

Reva: “Only to help get you into a good college. But they don’t really matter in life.”

Me: (silence……processing…….whoa!!!)

Classic Reva.

That was obviously an extreme simplification of one of our conversations, but the point is, she taught me to re-evaluate (or I should say, evaluate for the first time) my most basic values. When I started to get the hang of her way of thinking, we became a real team. Our favorite Rabbi used to refer to us as “double Levine action.”

When I was reflecting at the shiva about our younger years, I was absolutely shocked that we were having such deep conversations together at such a young age and further that I left my life-to-be in the secular world for these lofty ideals so early in my life. After the first few days of shiva went by, and I kept repeating how amazed I was, it finally dawned on me that the whole thing wasn’t really so shocking at all. On the contrary, it made perfect sense. When you present the emes (the Truth) to someone in a meaningful, interesting way - even to an eleven year old - it makes sense. And not only does it make sense, it is exciting. And that’s exactly what my sister did for me so many years ago – she made searching for Truth exciting.

As I mentioned, throughout her four years at TASC, my sister would continuously have conversations with me about all of the brilliant things she was learning. Each year, while I was still in junior high school, the anticipation would build, when I, the younger brother, would follow in her footsteps and be able to partake of these amazing Torah classes. Finally the time had come. I began the 9^th grade. But I was met with horrific shock. I was the only student excited to be there. The only student eager to become a Jewish philosopher extraordinaire. I didn’t understand it. Why were none of the other students ready to embark on a philosophical journey that would impact the rest of their lives?! Looking back, I now realize what the problem was….nobody else had my sister. Nobody else was given mind-blowing private lessons in Torah leading up to high school. Everybody else was just there to go to school. Miserable, boring, brain numbing school. Thank God I had my sister. I still have the same ideals today that she taught me so many years ago. Think. Search for Truth. Don’t take anything for granted. Question EVERYTHING. These are the ideals of my sister that she began to teach me when I was but eleven years old. These are the ideals that I still live by and will God willing teach my children, in her honor.

During the shiva, there were several themes that kept reappearing (with scary exactitude) in discussing Reva with those who came to comfort us. I’d like to share some of these themes, as I think they not only help show what an exceptional person Reva was, but they could also enrich our own lives – and that’s what she loved to do, enrich people’s lives in a meaningful way.

Old People

My sister had a powerful affinity for old people. All of our cousins, myself included, loved and respected our grandparents, but Reva was on a whole other level. She actually developed serious relationships with all of her grandparents. She would stay with them for days. When I first learned of this, I was a bit startled. How could she spend so much time with people who were sixty years older than her? I barely had what to say to my grandparents. She would also spend loads of time in my grandmother’s assisted living facility, hanging out with all the old folks, talking with them, questioning their lives, their decisions, their experiences. Was it weird that she did this? Yes. Did she care? No. “What the heck is she doing there?!” I would think. Now I understand it. She liked talking to people who have experienced the totality of life. She loved wisdom and knew exactly where to find it – the old people had it! Younger people were in the midst of their lives and didn’t have time to deal with Reva’s silly questions. Old people had nothing but time to give her all the knowledge they possessed and she soaked it up like a sponge. This was my sister.

She Went Deep, Fast

If you like small talk or shooting the breeze, you would not like talking to Reva. I don’t believe Reva even knew how to make small talk. If you tried to chat casually with her, she undoubtedly would change the topic to something heavier, something deeper….and she would not be subtle about it. She would simply wait until you finished speaking, say “uh hu” and then bring up a (sometimes completely unrelated) topic that was more meaningful – I loved that about her. I have sometimes been known to be a blunt person – she put me to shame. More so than any of the other themes that were brought up at the Shiva was this one. Anyone who knew her well, would relate an extremely similar variation of the one of the following: “we had the deepest conversations” or “she would always ask questions that made me really think.” Every time someone said this, my mother and I would look at each other and throw our hands up in the air as if to say “I can’t believe she had this amazing effect on so many people!” The way one of my cousins put it “she went deep, fast.” This was my sister.

Materialism

My sister just didn’t care about material things like the rest of us do. She would always try and talk to me about how much money it really took to live on – I mean to just “get by.” And she would always come up with this ridiculously low number. I thought she was crazy. “Who cares how much money you need to just get by?!” I would think to myself. “I need to do more than just get by!” But Reva had a very clear sense of the ultimate worthlessness of wealth. I do not share this clarity with her. But nonetheless, I will not forget those conversations. They left an imprint on my mind and gave me an attitude towards wealth to strive for. My Aunt said one day she walked into a thrift shop with Reva where all the clothes in the store were $1. Reva said “I could buy a whole wardrobe here for $30!” We were not poor growing up. She could have developed more expensive tastes. Where did she learn these wonderful truths from? Partly from her Rabbis, of course. But more so from her own internal insight and growth. Some type of freakish inner strength. This was my sister.

Party = Torah

My sister would not let a party go by without giving a D'var Torah (words of wisdom from the Torah) – this was often done unannounced. My mother recounts the story of my sister’s own wedding shower, where completely out of the blue, she gathered every one’s attention and delivered a beautiful D'var Torah! I’m sorry, I apologize, but who does that?! And this was not a one-time event. She did this at every single simcha (party) where she had even the slightest opportunity.  I do not believe she thought it was appropriate to celebrate or have a party for selfish reasons without recognizing the Creator. I didn’t realize this while she was delivering these Divrei Torah. At the time, I just thought “here she goes again,” almost embarrassed how she would just get up and start speaking. How immature I was. What I wouldn’t give to have her give a Dvar Torah at my next simcha. How I would love to smack the old me for not realizing what a Kiddush Hashem (sanctification of God's Name) she was doing. I was too scared to speak at parties, afraid I would say something stupid. “Does anyone want to say a few words?” Someone would ask. “Yes, I would like to” Reva would say. And she did. This was my sister.

Summation

For Reva it is the end.  For the rest of us it is the beginning. Dealing with life without her. It wasn’t her time, but….. Baruch Dayan Emes (blessed is the True Judge). I guess it was her time. How do I understand this?! I’m going to do exactly what my sister taught me to do….keep searching for an answer.

Over the past few months we started saying “I love you” to each other at the end of our phone calls. I thought to myself “is this something you say to your sister?” Why did I feel uncomfortable? What was holding me back? If only I figured it out before I lost her. Now, all I have is time to figure it out. There is no more fitting way to end this. Reva, I love you.